I Am Afraid

I am afraid that I will waste my life. The little decisions that I have habitually made through life. The cheating on math the cheating on spelling when I was little was because I did not want to do hard things. The hard things in life are done because of vision. My life is slipping away because I lack vision. I perish for lack of vision. Have I let vision die? Where is vision where is the striving to do hard things in life? The times where I have sinned and treated the grace of God as freedom to sin not as something that would lead me to repentance. God I need you even in the little things. Who can change my life? Where is there any hope for me? Again and again I go down the same old easy way and see the narrow way as too difficult. God can you help me? You seem so far away. So distant and hard to find. I do not want to waste my life but I have not ever seemed to put enough into anything I have done. I wish I could put more into what I do and do 100% at whatever I do and not 80%. God I feel like I am an 80% christian and never seem to be able to make it all the way but I know God that it is your grace alone. Faith. Believe and that is the key. I believe Lord, Help my unbelief.